Things that could change.
I want to spend so much time on myself. I want to change all the things that bug me and make me really insecure. Ive spent too much time on other people and not enough on myself. I want to make a difference but i want to know myself before i know others.
First thing, GET OVER KURTIS. I haven’t talked to anyone really about it, i just don’t want to break down about it. I love him so much, still, but the anger is not worth the pain. My next relationship, if there is one, will be based on communication and humor that agrees with me, not something that i can’t handle. Kurtis was amazing, he was everything i wanted him to be, but the temper is too much, and I can’t be with someone who can’t talk to me. Its almost like talking to a wall, you keep expecting it to talk to you but it never does, and you’re stuck wondering the same thing you were trying to get answered. I don’t want to spend my life in the dark, and if love could have saved us, we still would have been together. But when the yelling and anger comes to be too much, there is only so much you can say or do before its enough. And i have had enough. NOTE TO SELF: Just fucking cry already. Let it all out and don’t stop until you can’t breathe. You WILL feel better.
Second, MAKE YOUR OWN DECISIONS. No more of this “I don’t know” bullshit. I claim to be a strong, independent woman but i back down, and I WONT BACK DOWN. I need to start taking control and speaking up when shit pisses me off. I don’t want to be in the backseat anymore, its ready for me to drive on.SELF NOTE: Grow some more balls, Clare Nancine. You need it. Use straight up yes or no answers. You can do it.
Third, FOCUS ON SCHOOL. Kick Palomar’s ass already and move on to bigger and better things. Do I really want to be at Domino’s the rest of my life? NO. I definitely don’t want to. I need to get my ass in gear so i can soon be in the world and help people to the best of my ability so they can lead happy lives.
Last but not least, I need to seriously stop being a wreck. I need to be organized and less stressed out. Maybe if i get my life in order i wouldn’t be all over the place.
I want control of my life, and right now i don’t. So im doing me for a while. Do i know how long? No. But one day i will look back and hopefully know i did the right thing.
10 months ago • Notes